Yet again I am ready to let go of what is getting in my way. I know I can do this — I just haven’t figured out how to remember what I know yet. The idea of going back into my childhood, trying to reconstruct it so I can “understand” it and “process” it feels like deja vu — you know, like I’ve been there before.
But here I am again and the real me, the funny smart clever caring alive me, is really tired of being submerged and bossed around by the diligent, hard working, need to prove myself by doing more me. Constantly standing aside and judging myself, comparing myself — even though I pretend I’m not doing this because I know and write about and teach that doing this is self-destructive.
So I create a scenario that is this: I may be stuck in the imagined past, I may be judging myself, I may be fearful and comparing myself to others — but it’s okay because I know that this behavior is not helpful.
Well this is just crazy — to tell myself its okay to pretend I’m not doing it even though I know I am doing it. It’s like saying I’m not afraid of being alone and unable to care for myself as I get old because thinking that is going to scare me, and saying that to myself as I’m thinking I really am afraid, as though I’m trying to shout over myself, or plug my ears and shut my eyes and just keep shouting la la la to cover up what is not actually out there where it can be shouted down but is inside my head.
But wait — I am creating this particle — it was a wave but I have created the particle by thinking this. Damn. I am always forgetting about Quantum Physics. Why the hell can’t I remember that I, and only I, am creating everything moment by moment.
And as I say this I decide I will never forget this again, knowing full well that shortly I will go into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and will have probably have forgotten what I just wrote. Damn.